SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
You Might Also Like
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I triple waxed for this?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?