[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.