Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
A short story of betrayal:
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.