Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
This came to me in a dream.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Challenge accepted.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.