concern
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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.