this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.