Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye