Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
He just like my cat fr
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.