I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
plums roundup
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.