lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
lol
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented