[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently