Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?