“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!