My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.