it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The three genders
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!