I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore