Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet