My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.