inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
How it started How it’s going
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type