Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.