I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*