Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments