I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
hmmm
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.