Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Oh deer
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
the saddest jazz hands ever
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I would like even faster food.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.