3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.