me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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An odd boast
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
A dad and his duck
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot