Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*