50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay