Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Mood.. 😂
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
BaD BoY!!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”