Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born