Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You Might Also Like
Room with a view.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
📽️movie date🎞️
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.