Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.