Meth is short for Elizameth.
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist