Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I am all good here, 😂😉
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
How did people charge their phones before electricity?