Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
💁🏻♂️
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”