“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Catercrombie & Fish
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.