Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Customize Your Wedding.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS