doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Stonehinge
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t