the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My typo game is string.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off