My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
wtf is an acronym
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!