Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.