*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}