*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Fries, not lies.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I think this should do it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.