Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Generation gap…
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.