It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware