I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.