“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Sex so good you see dead people.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now