Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM