What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down