I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Never forget.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”